my head is feeling so tired & heavy..
Wonder if its because i'm not feeling well,
its like going to switch off.

its really tired to lie, to cover and maintain this lie,
Its even more tired to quarrel because of this lie,
feel sad, feel stress and being pressured, all because of this lie.
I don't feel like lying anymore. Is it so easy seriously?
Or perhaps we are the one who complicates this lie?

Every man for himself, in depth, this sentence is so true.
Pride, gains, afraid of loss..

I read a book, it tells me something like, great people doesn't fret over the
problem again and again, They try to solve the problem by asking "how?".
"How do i solve this?", " How do i acheieve this? ".

And also, something like if your attitude is right, problem is never a problem.

I once wrote on my twitter , trying to indirectly tell G, this is a lesson she must go through,
to achieve more in her life. No one can help her,
Then, is maintaining this lie a lesson that we must go through?
If yes, i guess nothing i do now will change anything.
If not, is this lesson to end if i do something about it?
-And then another lesson starts?

Right now, my brain tells me, maintaining this lie is very tiring and unhappy.
No matter what we do during other time of the day,
No matter how bright we are smiling,
At the end of the day, when this lie is back to our mind,
We will feel very unhappy.
It's been a few years, perhaps unconsciously, we don't even know we are feeling unhappy.
We don't even know we are feeling stress, and being pressurize, resulting
Our attitude to be bad at times.

Personally, i seems to be afraid to go near him sometimes.
Was it because unconsciously,
my mind don't want to lie and maintain this lie in front of him,
my mind doesn't want my lie to get exposed either ?
Or perhaps are all this excuses given by me in concession to other bad habits?

There seems to be only 2 options for us
1, maintain this lie for as long as we can,
2, stop lying

We have been picking the number 1 option for many years..
In between, there's a couple of times i wanted to stop lying..
But, is option 2 really an option for us?





I just want to stop all the lies that exist between us,
All the lies that we have to create and maintain and then cover up,
All the disappointment/anger/sadness that is in us after we discovered the truth..

I do not want to hurt any of us already,
i feel very bad and unhappy everytime i have to lie,
i just want to truthfully 对待 my family,
because i really love them.

So tired of seeing people change face.
This moment they are so friendly and the next moment u feel like kicking his ass.
Its also very disappointing to see these things happen.
I should probably be used to it, or , stop trust others a single bit.

I wanna talk to you, but all these years no matter how i try,
i couldn't get close to you.
Perhaps we are really from different world -
the only reason i can give myself.

Ironic, usually when you are at the top of the mountain,
you probably can see everything under you.
I actually don't think so.
I think, when you're at rockbottom, you can see everything much more clearly.

Eg, how people treats you when you are richer than them, they can "paur" you so much,
and the next moment how they treat you when you are not that rich , or poorer than them, they can ignore your calls and literally asking you to fck off, and then, you see what kind of people they are. Seriously, never expect me to help them.

34 days later, i'm gonna take 'o' level . Right now, i have 0% confidence to pass.
Guess the remaining days, i should just study hard for my english and e-maths.
They are my priority now. Hopefully a minimum of B3, and a A2 for chinese.
Sorry POA & A-Maths, too tough for me currently.
Perhaps i should enter a private school next yr, no doubt it might be costly,
but in exchange for a cert, guess its worth it uh?

My ideal self - Giving my family any thing that i can, working hard for my ideal future and give them a better life, knowledgeable and considerate.
That's what i currently can think of, my own ideal self.

Actually, i tried to take every setbacks right now as a lesson in life.
But it seems that im taking this lesson a lot earlier than others.
I don't know if i am too young to take all this,
I can only make myself believe that i am more mature than others.

Quin once told me, they aren't sacrificing for the family like i am,
because they are not me, They won't become me, and I can't change them.
I can only accept the way they are, and do my own part - so that i feel good.

Everything that happen today is probably because of this "GUY",
The obstacles i'm facing, the unhappiness I'm or, my family are experiencing,
It's all because of this "GUY"!
I really hate you, you literally break my family up.

But on the other hand, if not for you,
I wouldn't have a little brother, I will probably not learn as much as i have today,
I would probably still be a immature kid.

I wonder, and wonder, If one day i get to find you,
What will I do to you?

I always do things to disappoint myself and others.
Why? I don't know, I can't control.
I don't like to force myself to do things that i don't want to do yet,
There is always people telling me, Follow your heart.
But everytime i follow my heart it leads me to disappointment.
What should i really do instead?
I always think before i do things,
Might be a good thing to u.
But for me its really a bad thing, It makes my head really hurt all the time.

I went to Fico to play soccer today.
So fun and tiring. Especially at the start,
I switched from goalkeeper to a midfield player, and i ran about,
And i got a bit of headache suddenly, so i sub and went out to rest.
I was thinking, omg was it because my stamina sucks or was it because i haven't eat much?
Den after that current match was over,
i went back inside to play again.
This time i tell myself not to run much,
Because my heart will pump really really fast, and i will get headache,
No idea why also..
Muhaha, i scored a goal today, was sort of a "backstab" and goal!
Ok was sort of tyco. LOL!

Okay, i shall work hard from now on..
To get my O level cert..
First of all, i'm gonna study my POA first.
In case u all didn't know, i had been thinking about POA all the time.
Probably it has became my favourite subject, After A and E maths ruined me..

Mei gave me a fright just now, she send me a msg say something like,
I shouldn't keep this from u anymore, I thought what happened to her,
In the end, its just some sort of chain letters.
I gonna tell her this tomorrow..
The Golden Path got Rou Ku Mei, My mei = Sotong Mei.. =X
She is gonna kill me when she see this post tomorrow.

This is what i typed using my phone while sitting on a lorry last night.
The wind was very big, relaxing.
Enjoying listening to my mp3 when the wind was blowing,
Too bad, my mp3 ran out of battery.
Ok now, here's what i wrote :
Many of u might think i am crapping, When i say i have lost the fire in me.
But basically, it is just like a motivation that motivates me to do everything i wanted to.
Or rather, most things. Like going back to school, getting good results for exams.
The fire motivates me to get my best of them.
But suddenly, the fire was gone bit by bit, and i knew that.
In term 4 of Secondary Two, i missed two weeks of school.
After that, i still try my best to catch up on what i miss during the two weeks of school.
Eventually, It's all gone when it comes to 2008.
Even till now, i still have no motivation or the so called fire.

I am just, really disappointed with myself.
As usual.. I will say, im just a useless guy.

Distance myself from her?
I didn't even remember this one bit the next morning,
Probably i think i think too much again.
I don't have to distance myself from her,
I know what to do.

My blog.. Halfway done,
Left the background and a nice picture.
Thanks quin for the help, appreciate it.

hmm..
i decided, i should actually distance myself from her.
Because we are totally from 2 different worlds.
Plus, she has someone there for her, i shouldn't try to be the so called third party.
I am trying to slowly, and slowly, get myself away from her.

Anyway, im trying to change my blog skins to abit of goldenish.
Got some help from quin, anyone wanna help me too ? haha.