my head is feeling so tired & heavy..
Wonder if its because i'm not feeling well,
its like going to switch off.

its really tired to lie, to cover and maintain this lie,
Its even more tired to quarrel because of this lie,
feel sad, feel stress and being pressured, all because of this lie.
I don't feel like lying anymore. Is it so easy seriously?
Or perhaps we are the one who complicates this lie?

Every man for himself, in depth, this sentence is so true.
Pride, gains, afraid of loss..

I read a book, it tells me something like, great people doesn't fret over the
problem again and again, They try to solve the problem by asking "how?".
"How do i solve this?", " How do i acheieve this? ".

And also, something like if your attitude is right, problem is never a problem.

I once wrote on my twitter , trying to indirectly tell G, this is a lesson she must go through,
to achieve more in her life. No one can help her,
Then, is maintaining this lie a lesson that we must go through?
If yes, i guess nothing i do now will change anything.
If not, is this lesson to end if i do something about it?
-And then another lesson starts?

Right now, my brain tells me, maintaining this lie is very tiring and unhappy.
No matter what we do during other time of the day,
No matter how bright we are smiling,
At the end of the day, when this lie is back to our mind,
We will feel very unhappy.
It's been a few years, perhaps unconsciously, we don't even know we are feeling unhappy.
We don't even know we are feeling stress, and being pressurize, resulting
Our attitude to be bad at times.

Personally, i seems to be afraid to go near him sometimes.
Was it because unconsciously,
my mind don't want to lie and maintain this lie in front of him,
my mind doesn't want my lie to get exposed either ?
Or perhaps are all this excuses given by me in concession to other bad habits?

There seems to be only 2 options for us
1, maintain this lie for as long as we can,
2, stop lying

We have been picking the number 1 option for many years..
In between, there's a couple of times i wanted to stop lying..
But, is option 2 really an option for us?





I just want to stop all the lies that exist between us,
All the lies that we have to create and maintain and then cover up,
All the disappointment/anger/sadness that is in us after we discovered the truth..

I do not want to hurt any of us already,
i feel very bad and unhappy everytime i have to lie,
i just want to truthfully 对待 my family,
because i really love them.